ARSE-O-theWeek: Stephen "Hurry Hard" Harper

The guy has no shame:

Harper is demanding MPs...bypass normal approval processes for $3-billion of stimulus spending, saying it's imperative to rush aid as the economy falters...he's willing to head to another election should opposition parties block it.

I guess we can forgive him. He's clearly either: a) still stunned from the laying-on of hands he received from beatific Barak, or; b) landed on the set of a cheesy soap and has amnesia.

Our own Bobby Ewing. Fitting. What a disgrace of a PM.

What a filthy disgrace.

Manitoba's Tory Party: Under Construction

Saw this at 10:30 am CST on the PC website:

"Please come back at 9am CST for the launch of the new PC Manitoba website. Thank you."

And a new election slogan for the Hughie-mobile:

"Manitoba's Tories: Better Late Than Never"

UPDATE: it's up, it's up! We are so grateful to have been there for this historic moment (albeit an hour and a half late). It was right up there with Obama, except without the Internet traffic problems...good to see whizzing wee-Hughie is still on the job. He's cool!

UPDATE DEUX: McWho?Tube Hits the Web

Despite being arseholes we are not without our sense of civic duty. And so we have taken the extraordinary step of helping the Tories overcome the technical challenges of launching their new website by hosting wee-Hughie's new video section. Enjoy (it gets really good at about the 30 second mark).



LE TROISIEME UPDATE: Don't you think it "personalizes the leader and shows him at work" just as Curtis desires?

Holiday for Hanging

Belated Louis Riel day greetings (and a nod to Absurd Intellectual) from We Two Arseholes, courtesy of Rilo Kiley. Enjoy.

Eat My Shorts!

It's been quite the soap opera around the dung heap lately!

But I guess it means I don't have to eat Fat Arse's shorts if it turns out I/we were wrong on the WRHA envelopes.

It's quite a relief, as you can well imagine, unless reports of Fat Arse taking to wearing these are true - they look downright tasty!

"Arseholes Solve Sinclair Situation"

Calling for Ministers to resign. That's so yesterday. We two arseholes are way past that!

We've already come up with an innovative solution to the crisis of confidence, so this never happens again.

[Not to worry gentle readers, we haven’t sacrificed the rigorous arsehole method you have come to expect in arriving at this solution]

But first, we'll give you 3 guesses on our proposed replacement for Health Minister:

1. If you guessed this guy you'd have picked a worthy candidate (intelligent, experienced, good in QP), but he’s not the snappiest dresser, and you'd be wrong.


2. If you guessed this gal you’d have picked a veritable pit bull of energy, but she doesn’t exactly ooze compassion - so wrong again.


3. If you guessed this guy, you’d have to be crazy (and wrong).

Give up?

We don't think one person is enough for the Health portfolio, given the size of it’s budget and it’s importance. Our solution calls for a three-person ruling junta comprised of Hugh McFadyen, Myrna Driedger and Jon Gerrard. Here’s how the junta would operate:

• As a doctor, Liberal leader jovial Jon would have the proper credentials to tackle the lack of accountability in physician culture that is the principal barrier to meaningful health care reform in this province/country, a culture that is partially responsible for Sinclair's death.


• As a nurse, Tory Health critic mournful Myrna can whip those lazy, derelict nurses (and triage aides) into shape. Or better, just fire them.


• As a so-called lawyer and former backroom boy, wee-Hughie can advise Brock Wright’s replacement not to say anything (ever), to remove the security cameras from HSC and how to operate the shredding machine.

With this all star team in place, this will never happen again. Oh sure, people like Brian Sinclair will still die (because Myrna will succeed in firing nurses), but we will never know about it (because Dr. Jon will fail and wee-Hughie will succeed). Scandal avoided.

Yup, that should restore confidence in Room 302.

All hail the junta! Hasta la victoria siempre!

UPDATE on "Fishin' for Scandal": we don't know Adam Topp from Adam. Never heard of him in fact, but he made some very sensible points countering the hyperbole on the "brown envelopes" in Sunday's Freep opinion page.

Fishin' for Scandal?

Curtis at Spin Cycle was nice enough to give us props when we started out. We thank him for that. We have lots of time for Curtis. But to have him lump us in with these poor misguided souls was unsettling.

Just because we are on the left (obviously), doesn't mean we are a shill for the government. Unlike the Premier, we prefer to skate on the Left wing - not at Center. Besides, Doer hardly needs our help, wouldn't want it, and wouldn't want to be remotely associated with it! We're too radical for him.

Are we anti-Tory? Sure. But, make no mistake, we don't only throw at the right. In Arsehole 'chute-land' any deserving pol or pundit is fair game. Dung sticks where it belongs! Manitoba's Health Minister and the Premier are no exception (see here). We know we suffer from anal hyperbolitis; but the opposition and media also need to account for their shortcomings. Their recurrent ja' accuse hyperbole is juvenile. The facts please: just the facts.

As for Curtis's analysis of the issue, I find it interesting and insightful. He appears to be saying the government hedges it's bets in how it deals with potential scandals. Fair enough. But by commenting on process rather than context, isn't Curtis doing the same thing (i.e hedging his bets)? Is this issue really worthy? Is it really a 'scandal'?

Bad optics for Doer? Sure. Bad press? ibid. "Scandal"? Hardly.

What we are talking about is standard industry business practice - albeit flawed. And, unfortunately, our Health System is indeed part of an industry so large that today's red flag does little more than distract us from its real problems. Yes, $20M over 8 years is a lot of money. But in perspective, at 1% of the WRHA's annual budget, is this really our biggest problem? Should it be fixed - sure. But, if you want real corruption in health care, take a look at what Siemens has been up to.

The envelopes? Well our guess is they contain "free" supplies, software, support, etc - which we all pay for one way or the other. So, isn't it better it is "free"? Does anyone actually think the bidding mega-corps don't factor in the cost of the "free" stuff into their original bids? Fools.

If the OAG investigation does find that individuals at the WRHA personally profited from the contents of these envelopes: I, Smart Arse, will eat Fat Arse's shorts and post it on YouTube!

In the meantime, we're calling a red herring a red herring. For anyone to seriously think the WRHA tendering process is corrupt is absurd. Only the naive, or politically motivated, would actually try to advance such an argument.

Our health care system has bigger problems. Not the least of which is a Minister of Health who is not up to the job!

Oops!

Oh my.

Looks like somebody pissed somebody else off.

Or maybe it was just a Tory wet dream from the beginning?

Coming Soon: Battle of the Office Supplies

Looks like the aresholes, including Vic Grant, were right on this one as WRHA's "brown enevelopes" have been superseded in MSM by Brian Sinclair's death.

But we know wee-Hughie will crank up the hyperbole in that high stakes poker game called Question Period in the spring:

I See Your Brown Envelopes and Raise You a Shredder!

Whose your money on?

The party that practically invented stuffed brown envelopes, got caught rigging votes, shredding the evidence and lying about it and enriched their friends by selling off the provincial phone system?

Or, these other guys whose main fault in 9 years is that they haven't done as much as their friends would have liked?

These guys are watching from the sidelines with their trusty 3-hole punch.

related

Groundhog Day Redux

Winnipeg's wee-Hughie came out of his hole today.

He's been so invisible, we were starting to wonder if he done croaked or somepin.


What we were really wondering though is how did he manage to take time away from gnawing on the cardboard shoulder pads of Heather Stefanson's sexy white pantsuit to burrow into the allegedly shady business deals of the WRHA?

Who knows. But here are some interesting facts about the noble land beaver:

• They are the most solitary of the marmots
• They are one of the few species that enter into true hibernation
• They pose a serious threat to development by undermining [the] building [of] foundations
• They prefer to retreat to their burrows when threatened
• When alarmed, they use a high-pitched whistle to warn the rest of the group
• Experts on: "They’re known for their aggression [with] a natural impulse to kill ’em all and let God sort ’em out. You have to work to produce the sweet and cuddly."

Whizzing wee-Hughie may get some traction on this whole WRHA thing - certainly the usual suspects among the local bloggerati have glommed onto it (even though it's probably a tempest in a teapot) - but a more likely result is that Hugh saw nothing but his pathetic shadow and it's six (at least) more years of Doer.

Coming next: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...

Sign of the Times: Hold on to your Pantses

You know that when mannequins advertising post-stimulus sales are getting pantsed, capitalism's days are numbered.

"You Be Careful with that Nail Gun Stevie, ya Hear"

House and Senate via impolitical beat us to it, but we couldn't not comment on Harper's clumsy handling of the nail gun photo-op on budget day.

You can tell that Steve was having a hard time making it work properly (it's tricky Steve - maybe try sticking your tongue out some more).

The video footage (haven't located a clip yet but this is funny) was even worse - Harpo is clearly severely power tool-challenged. We could almost hear his poor mother screaming at the TV.

What a pathetic display of manliness by our so-called Prime Minister!

Better stick to stuff you are good at like cat-cradling and lying.

And, hey Steve, remember: a good carpenter doesn't blame his tools!

Budget 2009: Harper's Heartless Shitting Machine

Cloaca 5 (at left) turns leftovers into shit. Upon seeing this art story last week we two arseholes naturally thought: "hmmm, art we can relate to." A "heartless shitting machine," one reader called it. Predictably, commentators whined about wasting taxpayer dollars (a $30,000 Canadian Council grant). Are you kidding?

$30,000 for the Perfect Metaphor for Harper's Budget 2009? It's a pittance!

Called "neither blue, nor red" by CBC's Mansbridge, Budget 2009 is a spending budget brought in by a fiscal and ideological conservative to save his political ass. Pure and simple.

Needless to say, we have a different colour in mind for it and Harpo...and you don't have to be a colour wheel expert to figure it out ("take some blue, add some red, a splash of orange, a pinch of green and squeeze").

Stephen Harper and the Conservatives: Priceless.

Dear Freep: Heal Thyself (Please)

Never ones to let being informed get in the way of a good editorial, the Freep has reached new heights of irresponisbility and stupidity in this ill-informed shot at Manitoba's smoking ban:

Why are smoking rooms not allowed everywhere...isolated from the pure-of-lung, they can do no harm and would offer smokers a degree of comfort, instead of the government-imposed pain that outdoor inhaling involves

What the hell were they thinking - or smoking - when they clumsily (albeit perhaps inadvertently) invoked the physician's creed "first, do no harm" (primum non nocere*) to champion smoking rooms? How could the Freep even allow the appearance of using that phrase to support smoking of any kind, anywhere?

And, do they do any research on a subject before putting pen to paper? Like, for example, the fact that second-hand smoke is bad for smokers.

Advice to Freep editors: Cura te ipsum.

*The creed is a sacred reminder - "a hallowed expression of hope [and] humility" - to physicans and health care providers to consider possible harm before intervening with care.

Feed Don't Fail Me Now

Talk about Inauguration Frustration! Anybody else try and watch today's "historic moment" online?

A historic day we were told. A day for the ages! One of those events that will forever beg the question "Where were you when?"

Well, for many of us, the anticipation turned out to be greater than the lived realization. Apparently, too many 'we' were trying to be 'there then' all at once in real time. And, just like on 9/11, the infernal 'Intertube' failed miserably.

Guess this is what happens when too many global citizens care? No access to the moment.

If you were chained to a desk (like me) during the precious moment, you were damned! ISP, IP, live-feed, no feed... arrghh, better we should read?

Damn technology failed us today. Intertube, you boob!

Geebus! Wish I could'a been 'there'!

Well I'll Be Flushed!

We're late getting to this.

We Two Arseholes freely admit to having a special interest in this story, not the least of which is, because the "Crown" is where we think best. As such, it is important you know where we stand/sit on this story.

"What's that Fat Arse? Oh, just great!"

Well readers (surprise-surfuckingprise), turns out, we two arses are again divided on another issue!

Fat Arse, being Fat Arse, is pissed. He's mad, saying he will never realize the promised water savings of the 1/2 flush.

"Christ," he bellowed, "You know I only piss outside as is! How the fuck is this newfangled crapper going to save me water? PLUS, when I CRAP, I need all the FLUSH I can get!"

Well readers, Fat Arse, is an idiot. Firstly, no intelligent man should be whizzing outside into a -40c windchill. Secondly, the planet needs us to save water. Face it everyone, 'Dual-flush' crappers are the wave of the future. Embrace them now! I know I do ...

Stop the Presses: Blogger Discovers New Superbug

The Black Rod has struck again with his scoop on the latest public health threat to Winnipeg. And this time it's not pork. Rather, a new deadly strain called HRSA??

How did MSM miss it? What is it?

It's MSRA (as in Methicillin*), not HRSA, you dope!

For all his bluster about MSM's incompetence, you'd think one of its most ardent critics would at least take time to check his facts.

We don't wish to be petty - typos are typos - but clearly in this instant this is not the case.

Fact is, The Black Rod has no real interest in the difference between MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) and HRSA (e.g. Health Resources & Services Administration) or in facts generally. He's only interested in cheap political shots - in this case at the WRHA/health care system. MRSA, HRSA, WRHA, MDSA - what does it matter to the intrepid slayer of MSM?

Seems to us The Black Rod could use a shot in the ass. Of something strong. Or maybe just a large dose of humble pie?

Surely the health care system will pay for it.

*Methicillin, from the penicillin family, is a beta-lactam antibiotic. Bacterium that is resistant to it is a serious problem - everywhere. It reportedly now kills more Americans than AIDS.

ARSE-O-theWeek: The Minister of Grotesque Tourism

We apologize to our faithful readers for the delay in posting this week's AOW. It was unavoidable.

We 'd love to blame the ubiquitous "technical difficulties," but unless you call 37.5 hours of rancorous name-calling between Fat Arse and me a "technical" problem, we cannot. Sadly, we failed to reach "consensus." Sad too, is the state of liquor* cabinet.

In the end, we retreated to our two respective corners: Fat Arse to his football and beer, me to my D&D and Pink Ladies.

So, I have decided to go it alone this week.
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I/we have refrained from commenting on the events in Gaza, but this week's PR offensive by Israel's Foreign Minister was, well, offensive. Of course, this is nothing new for Tzipi Livni. Turning the Israeli Foreign Office into the "ministry of grotesque tourism" is her principal achievement as Foreign Minister.

Following the 2006 war in Lebanon against Hezbollah, which was less than sanguine from a PR standpoint, Livni and the Israeli regime have been wary of repeating those mistakes. Since then, Livni has been keen to attack the the world's press corps with "a constant, imaginative, heart-rending display of Israeli misery," as this blog dedicated to parodying the farcical actions of a farcical state correctly points out. One can easily imagine Livni saying:

This simple tactic has worked admirably for the Palestinians and there is no reason to think that it won't work even better for us. After all, the Jewish people invented suffering and guilt so the least we can do is to make them work for us, instead of against us.

This week the Israelis once again gathered the media, who of course cannot enter Gaza, in the border town of Serdot to touch the still-hot metal of a stray rocket and deliver key messages to captive journalists such as: "What would America do if Mexico was launching rockets at Texas every day?"

Indeed.

The question is in fact illustrative of the degree to which Israel is out of touch with the rest of the world and with history. For you would think that knowing that Texas was once part of Mexico but lost it in war to the hands of the expanding American empire might lead one to reach for more contemporary, more salient comparisons. Not these jokers.

This kind of thing is problematic for Israel, of course, because where is a decrepit, morally bankrupt, colonial-settler state to turn for meaningful shared histories? You guessed it. Doesn't work so well.

I guess I take solace in knowing that they really only "want to influence Palestinian thinking," as government spokesman Mark Regev put it.

But what better way to influence thinking than by driving home the message with clear and unambiguous action? Actions like the ones that led to this.

Now that's what I call grotesque.

(Fat Arse is gonna be pissed when he recovers from his two-day bender and sees this).

*Kudos to Yellow Snow for keeping this old saw alive.

The Manitoba Metis: Forever the Whipping Boy

Great news for Chartrand and the fight for Metis hunting rights in Manitoba.

But we feel obliged to try to answer the question posed of Mr. Goodon, the successful plaintiff, on CBC's noon show: why was the province so hell-bent on fighting this?

It's a good question. Sure, there's probably a good mumbo-jumbo legal answer - legal precedents around rights etc, but the real reason is political.

Why would a Premier who has so steadfastly avoided even the hint of disagreement (never mind the picking of fights) with almost any group he has ever encountered, allow a fight like this to go on for almost five years?

Because the Metis are the perfect whipping boy. As one visitor commenting on the local CBC story wrote, summing up the prevailing sentiment of the dominant culture: "The Metis were not here first, don't forget [they] ... are half white."

Mr. Doer is no dummy. Being neither Indian nor "white," the Metis constitute the perfect "Other" for the Premier. A trusty wedge he can introduce when courting the support of those two much larger constituencies that begat the Metis. And Mr. Doer has done so brilliantly. Don't believe us? Find another significant lobby group that Mr. Doer has given the finger to like he has Chartrand in the last ten years.

Don't bother - you won't find one.

Despite today's legal victory, this will not be the end of the legal friction between the Manitoba Government and the Metis.

Knowing there is little sympathy among either Indians or whites for the cause of the Metis - Doer will continue to use the Manitoba Half-Breed as his political whipping boy because he has judged there is no electoral downside - and because he thinks he can get away with it.